Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
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