i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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