why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
