I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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