After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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