Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
