I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
