There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
