I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
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She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
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I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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