And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
