i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
