Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
