Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
