how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
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She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
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If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
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