Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
