Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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