don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
