my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Randomize
