just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Acid is not a monday night drug
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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