I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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