I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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