Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Randomize
