Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
