We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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