dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
These 21 People Are Related To Famous Celebrities
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....