Your tits are I can't wait for
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.