Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
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I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
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I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life