Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Randomize
