all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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