so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
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