Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
