Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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