Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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