DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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