I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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