Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
