In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
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Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
They took my balls.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
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Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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