I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
