we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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