I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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