I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
