I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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