Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
