if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
