Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
My sheets look like a crime scene.
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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