She went from zero to smokin in five shots
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
