it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Randomize
