Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
