I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
