i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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