Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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