im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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