you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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