Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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