he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
