I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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