i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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