I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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