could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
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Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
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I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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